


but we loved with a love that was more than love

by Stein



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Lowercase, M/M, Monsta X Bingo, POV Second Person, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 18:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9619877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stein/pseuds/Stein
Summary: Kihyun, you know, doesn't love him.He, you know, will never love you.





	

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from Annabel Lee/Anabelle, by Edgar Allan Poe ~~I'm a sucker for poetry I'm sorry~~  
>  **Bingo tile:** canon.
> 
> I blame this entirely on Jooli for indulging on my angst-ridden writing. Still, I'm trying my hand at Level 1 because I like to suffer but not _that much_ ~~we can't all be like you, sis', I can't write more than one thing at time hOW DO YOU DO IT~~
> 
> *coughs* either way *coughs*
> 
> I hope you guys... Enjoy this? :'D

it is written in his face, you see, when kihyun walks up to the stage, the way he worries on his bottom lip almost imperceptible. he has his eyes glued on the screen but his hands are on his knees, gripping onto them with so much strength his knuckles have turned pale.

kihyun, you know, doesn’t love him. not that he can’t, but he won’t. he has so much on his mind, such high expectations of the future, of whatever it is to come for you all. it’s hard not to relate to him, the way he retreats to himself, how he refuses to think of anything but his goal and what he can do to accomplish it. you, too, are like that, layers upon layers upon layers of defense and self constructed lies and the constant anxiety at the bottom of your heart.

kihyun, you know, doesn’t love him. but he could. he could because under his layers upon layers upon layers, kihyun is  _ scared _ . more scared than you’ve ever been. you’re  _ two _ . number two. not the first, but that’s a matter of time. he’s… he’s not. he’s not top five. more than talent, more than being liked by his fellow trainees, kihyun needs to prove that he’s needed. he needs to walk up there and do the best he can, and know that above everything else, he’ll manage it.

what is left if he doesn’t?

_ i was here first _ , you want to say. but nuboyz isn’t a thing, nuboyz doesn’t matter when you’re all here fighting for a spot. you’re friends, first and foremost, but there are certain things that even friendship cannot mend.

(you remember being hungry, so hungry, and angry at your mother for giving you everything she could even though it wouldn’t be enough, it would never be enough, you remember seeing other trainees slack off and you remember stuffing your mouth full of leftover rice and munching on it and telling yourself the sting in your eyes wasn’t from the tears, you remember staying up until late just to wake up at five in the morning and start over a routine of dance and choreographies far too fast for your sleep-dazed brain, of resting your head against your best friend’s shoulder blades and breathing, breathing, breathing until your hands stopped trembling.)

(you remember the first time you saw one of your fellow trainees breakdown, shoulders shaking, tears running down his face, a silent, silent cry because none of you can afford to be weak, none of you can afford to crack under the pressure, and how you wanted to scoot up closer to him and put your hands on his shoulders, how you wanted to wipe his tears; but wanting to do isn’t the same as being allowed to, so you just stood there and waited, waited, waited, until the sobs eventually died down.)

_ i was here first _ , you want to say, but you know it won’t mean a thing. were you ever their friend? because even if the answer is yes, right now you’re their enemy. someone better. someone whom the judges have put second even though you lack so many things, so many things, when all of them have been put down harshly. you’re the favourite. you’re someone they have to beat down and  _ keep _ down, someone they have to surpass.

you don’t want to be that person. you don’t want to be the enemy. but  _ what can you do _ ? you can’t give up. not now. not here. not ever. even if it means you turn your back to the one person who makes your heart soar because he, too, must think of you as the enemy.

he doesn’t love you. couldn’t ever love you. and it’s not for the same reason as to why kihyun can’t love him, he’s not kihyun. he can’t love you because against all odds, against all sanity and rationality, against everything every single one of you believe, he’s given his heart to someone else already. he’s always been softer. warmer. more likely to put aside his personal reasons for fighting and wanting to make things better between the rest of you even if he himself is falling apart. and while some may say that falling in love was the stupidest decision, as if it were a decision at all, it’s hard to think like that when it comes to him.

it doesn’t look like a weakness on him. not when loving kihyun makes him want to fight, makes him want to stay, makes him put his hands over his mouth and stare at the screen with such intensity you can feel his anxiety echoing through your bones.

_ it is unfair _ , you want to say. but when was any of this fair? kihyun has his eyes set on his goal, wonho only has eyes for him, and you, lee jooheon, are a fool.

**Author's Note:**

> you know that scene from No.Mercy in which Kihyun's singing 혜야 and the camera zooms in on Wonho's face and he looks like he's about to cry? I WAS THINKING OF THAT  
>  ~~I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON~~
> 
> Also, I, uh, have a [twitter](https://twitter.com/lalagoonie), if you guys want to scream about anything with me? ;u;


End file.
